BE CAREFUL ON THE ROAD THIS HOLIDAY SEASON – Thrills & Spills In The Chill
It’s chilly out there and that slippery little sprite – Jack Black Ice - is back with a vengeance on Northern Hemisphere highways and byways.
"Hey, comrades, Jackov's back .... wanna give me a hand?"
Fortunately, if you watched the astonishing footage above, his malevolent intent isn’t always then perfectly executed. I’d say that video is proof positive Guardian Angels have drifted back to the old Eastern Bloc since the fall of communism!
I don’t speak the lingo, but I did catch the word, “vodka”, in the cab conversation immediately following the incident – and I’m pretty certain I can guess the context!
Notwithstanding the above failure, the little bugger, Jackov (is that the correct Russian equivalent), is clearly full of beans in the old Soviet Union these days and Putin the boot in.
Doesn’t he know the Cold War is over?
He’s an all-rounder is Jackov, he doesn’t restrict his noxious activities to sprinkling drivers with moron dust – he liberally coats pedestrians as well so they can make their contributions ….
Or is it perhaps his sister, Jacqueline Black Ice, in action there and living up to her married name by casually walking away from the scene of her vicious little prank without even wishing her comrades in the smooshed vehicles fraternal greetings of the season?
Mr. Urajerkov will, I’m sure, be mortified by his spouse’s callousness!
"She did what?!!!"
It should be clear by now that Jack’s intervention is not always required. On numerous occasions he merely breathes on the road surface and retires back to his bed from where he can watch human idiocy do his work for him. A prime example is enacted for us by the tool below who, not only is going way too fast for the icy conditions, but also manages to deposit himself, handily, into a police car as a direct result thereof!
Obviously the poster child for Humanus Moronicus!
"Mmm, yes .... well done, you great Pillock!"
Jack Black Ice clearly should not take all the blame (or credit) for vehicular contretemps. There are times, such as is illustrated in the footage below, where he surely cannot be cited as a contributing factor.
I’d have to say prevailing weather conditions rule out his involvement here in addition to the fact he’d be hard pressed to engineer this one in the first place.
Made a lively change from the usual 3,456,001 insects that no doubt splatter this trucker’s windshield on long hauls, I’d imagine!
Wonder if his wife gave him a peck in the morning as he left and reminded him to “keep his eyes peeled for incoming para-gliders”?
As you do.
Grease counselling? - Many truck stops now offer en-route therapy to truck drivers traumatized by paragliders plastering themselves all over big rig windscreens. 20% with bacon, eggs and grits.
It is my understanding that nobody, blootered or otherwise, suffered injuries of any significance in the above skirmishes. I’d hazard a guess that paragliding has been stricken from the agenda of at least one involved character, mind you!
Time to pursue a safer hobby, I’d say.
Weekend bomb disposal perhaps?
All to say please take extra care on the roads this holiday season. The last thing I’d wish on any of you is to suffer the permanent and crippling injury of ending up on You Tube!
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Postscript:
It may be nothing but can we ignore the possibility that Kate Bush is in cahoots with Jack Frost?
I mean, have you heard her new album, “50 Ways to Stoup A Snowman“?
Or something like that.
It’s very good and all that – but it is all about getting to know a snowman.
Carnally.
(From the album, “50 Words for Snow”, on Anti Records and available here)
I mean, well …. you know!
Then there’s the highly incriminating evidence of her new video ….
No, surely not. Not oor Kate.
Well, at least I though it was highly incriminating – until I was reliably informed that these are actually stills from a truly repellent 1997 horror/slasher movie entitled “Jack Frost” and starring Newt Gingrich and a very nasty-looking floral shower curtain.
It’s your typical cop-stitches-up-snowman-who-ends-up-in-prison garbage with no variation from the tired snowman-escapes-from-prison-to-exact-his-hideous-revenge main premise. The stills above are from perhaps the most odious scene in the whole sordid affair; your inevitable snowman-rapes-cop’s-daughter-in-the-shower-using-his-carrot-nose-for-purposes-for-which-it-was-not-intended bit.
The director apparently was playing this scene for laughs but I don’t find anything chuckle-worthy about rape, regardless of the parties involved.
Credible to that point, I’m afraid buying into “Jack Frost” as a docu-drama really fell apart at this point. I just don’t buy the concept that a snowman could maintain any dexterity in a hot shower for more than a second or two. The carrot would surely instantly become dislodged from his person as soon as the water hit it, n’est pas?
Anyway, then the snowman buggers off to Washington and wrecks the place. Or does he? – far be it from me to give the whole scummy plot away.
The movie, starring Newt Gingrich (did I already mention that), was seen by approximately nobody so it got it’s just reward and has hopefully now been thrust into the Hollywood garbage disposal and ground to a pulp.
A publicity shot from the movie's press pack
So glad oor Kate was not involved in any shape or form with that shapeless form - Newt, the red-nose snowman, that is.
As for her own tale of wintry intimacy, no visual record of her “relations” with the identified snowman (or indeed any snowmen?) exists.
Certainly nothing has leaked yet and most likely never will. According to Kate herself, her snowman, “Misty“ by name and a lad sculpted into being by her own hands (the mind boggles), didn’t hang around. When she awoke after their “one and only tryst“, she relates, he had melted away, leaving only wet sheets and “dead leaves (and) bits of twisted branches” on her pillow.
Now that’s cold. And heartless. What a drip, etc., etc.
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Post-Postscript:
This writer would like to make it absolutely clear that Newt Gingrich was not involved in any shape or form with the making of “Jack Frost“. Any similarities with that movie’s snowman character – or, indeed, Kate Bush’s “a quickie and he’s off” type of typical chauvinist snowman – are purely coincidental.
The Washington bit is a matter of opinion.
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Another shout-out to the wonderful Exile on Moan Street blog, which is where I first saw the video at the beginning of this post. All the rubbish that follows it here is, I”m afraid, mine and Exile should not be blamed for promulgating any nonsense like this.
Go and have a rummage around Exile, you will not regret it. Click here to go there.
