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Taxi, Sir?

I’m not saying that the more elderly generations in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia are necessarily resistant to, or oblivious of, the changing world of technology but, when your chosen mode of transportation remains a magic carpet, you may face some scrutiny about your personal ability to dance cheek-to-cheek with the 21st century.

So perhaps this absolutely true story should not raise too many eyebrows.

To be fair, most individuals over the age of 70 worldwide generally view the internet as, at best, a passing fad and, at worst, a hostile environment fully equipped to strip your skin and steal your eyeballs if you hit the wrong button.

However wars have started over far less than what one Georgian woman was able to do single-handedly on March 28 to the entire nation of Armenia.

There she was, the old dear, out scavenging – as you do.

75 years old and hard at it, just her and her trusty spade when – KABOOM! - strike one for the Luddites of the world!

You see, the unidentified old lady, whose real name is Zdestroya Tchnoinski, of 73 Lenin Prospect, Tblisi, managed to thrust her spade into the rich Georgian soil and straight through an unsuspecting fibre-optic cable nestling therein ….. which just happened to provide the entire citizenry of neighboring Armenia with internet access.

Panic in Armenia today. Woman on right appears to be trying to access internet on a bar of soap after spade-hacker Granny's evil scavenging attack

The elderly hooligan’s unwitting sabotage had catastrophic consequences. Web users in the nation of 3.2 million people were left twiddling their thumbs for up to five hours as the country’s main internet providers – ArmenTel, FiberNet Communication and GNC-Alfa – were prevented from supplying their normal service. Television pictures showed reporters at a news agency in the capital Yerevan staring glumly at blank screens, although one source claimed that’s all they do every day.

Large parts of Georgia and some areas of Azerbaijan were also affected.

Result there, Granny, you old rabble-rouser, you!

“It was a 75-year-old woman who was digging for copper in the ground so that she could sell it for scrap,” said a spokesman for Georgia’s interior ministry.

Let her have it, I say, it’s scrap now.

A typical piece of Georgian scrap, valued for its unique ability to piss off entire neighboring nations

The authorities immediately arrested the old gal, which seems a little harsh to me. After all, the damage was detected by a system monitoring the fibre-optic link from western Europe and a security team was immediately dispatched to the spot, where the woman was cuffed and led away.

Call me contrary, but her continued presence at the site would suggest her actions were not part of a dastardly plan of granny sabotage. If it was, the resumption of scavenging in the same spot with a nice piece of fibre optic cable glistening in your scavenging basket seems a touch gormless.

The interior ministry said she had no accomplices.

Well now, there’s a shock. So can Al-Qaeda’s involvement be discounted then?

Nevertheless the newly christened “spade-hacker” is being investigated on suspicion of damaging property. She faces up to three years in prison if charged and convicted.

I say we get Amnesty International involved right now and raise several million to pay for her defense. This is outrageous.

Send your donations to me if you wish. I’ll send you a receipt.

Cash only please.

The usually bright, cheery and colorful luxury dwellings of Tbilisi take on a different look when deprived of internet access

A spokesman for Georgia’s interior ministry said the woman was temporarily released “on account of her old age” but could face more questioning.

Those bastards probably deprived her of her nap while brutally holding her somewhere not very nice (nap deprivation – very nasty) and only released her because she was depleting the station of its entire chocolate biscuit quota for the month at an alarming rate while snarfling down gallons of tea.

I am happy, however, to report that war was averted when internet service was restored after an agonizing five hours for Armenia (no casualty figures have yet been released) and the nation settled back down to watching filthy decadent Western porn so that they can more knowledgeably condemn the bestial First World at their next church social.

Some Armenians became mentally unstable almost immediately without internet access but not this girl who suffers from a fetish involving placing furry rats, or whatever the fuck that thing is, on her head

Scavenging is apparently a very popular pastime in Georgia and the country is seriously considering sending a scavenging team to the next Olympics. The training methods of their steroid-ravaged coach have been called into question but he/she believes that small container diving (below) must be perfected before moving on to dumper-diving, a discipline dominated by Americans for many years.

Scavenger tryouts for the 2012 Olympics

Pulling up unused copper cables for scrap is also a common means of making money in the former Soviet Union. So I can see how pulling up still-in-use copper cables may have its attractions as well. It’s an all too predictable next step on the road to serious crime addiction.

Some entrepreneurs, I am told, have even used tractors to wrench out hundreds of metres of cable from the former nuclear testing ground at Semipalatinsk in Kazakhstan.

Very enterprising apart from the massive radiation exposure downside that is. The gang, I suspect, are either now dead or easily detectible because of their tendency to glow in the dark and brightly illuminate all shadowy, otherwise ingenious hiding places.

They were caught by authorities who, lacking the funds to acquire a bunch of Geiger Counters for tracking purposes, were still able to pretend they found the thieves that way by using castanets as they closed in on their quarry during the radio-only live broadcast.

A crack team of Georgian detectives close in on their prey

Ingenious police work. Well done P.C. Plodski!

Armenia is a fully owned debtor subsidiary of the International Monetary Fund and appears here by kind permission. All writs reserved.


My thanks to The Guardian newspaper, from which this completely true story was sourced, although I may have added some purely fictional embellishments. This has nothing to do with the fact both Georgia and Armenia have almost certainly thrashed Scotland in World Cup qualifiers at some point over the years.

~ by Fray D. Jay on April 7, 2011 . Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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